


Stay

by wehangout



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-27
Updated: 2013-09-27
Packaged: 2017-12-27 17:53:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/981884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wehangout/pseuds/wehangout
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At sixteen Dean realises he might be gay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stay

**Author's Note:**

> Very tiny mention (like two sentences) of Dean/unnamed omc. Also posted on my Tumblr - shewritesdestiel

At eight they become best friends. Cas moves to the neighbourhood, and while he looks kind of pathetic standing at the edge of the playground, watching everyone else ride their bikes on the hot summer’s day, Dean gives him a chance anyway. And Cas turns him down and goes home.

He turns up again the next day, and Dean ignores him, still stinging from yesterday’s rejection. But Cas stares intently, looking fairly desperate to get on a bike and ride, and Dean gives in. Frowning, but remembering his manners like the good boy mama always says he is, he offers the boy another turn on his bike. Cas nods hesitantly, before leaning close to whisper something in Dean’s ear.

Dean spends the rest of the afternoon teaching Cas how to ride a bike.

At nine they’re inseparable. They walk to school together, to have lunch together, they walk home together, they do homework together, they watch TV together, they eat dinner together. During the summer they go on bike rides together, go to the local pool together, teach Sammy to play baseball together. On rainy days they build forts together, play cards together, play video games together.

They have sleepovers at Dean’s every weekend - because, despite the four they’ve had, Cas’ parents don’t really have the time or patience for children, but Cas never talks about that so Dean never mentions it either. They stay up late to watch horror movies, refuse to get out of bed until Mama agrees to make waffles for breakfast, and spend hours playing Rescue Princess Sammy from the Evil Monster. Also known as Fred, the family cat.

At ten Cas’ older sister runs away from home. His parents are furious, and Cas is heartbroken. With his older brothers already at college, Anna was the only one who ever stood up for Cas. And Dean, as much as he tries, doesn’t know how to make Cas feel better. All he can do is tell jokes and make himself look like a dick and do whatever it goddamn takes to make Cas laugh.

Cas begins spending more time at Dean’s, staying over on weeknights, sneaking in through his bedroom window if it’s late. His parents are too busy fighting or working or pretending the other doesn’t exist to notice anything Cas does. Dean notices, though; notices the way Cas goes quiet in crowds, the way he jumps at loud voices, the way he sometimes turns up with red-rimmed eyes.

And he understands why one Friday afternoon. He’s helping Cas pack a bag so he can stay over for the weekend, and both of his parents arrive home just as he and Cas are about to leave. Cas waits at the front door, looking a mix between hopeful and embarrassed, but his parents walk past him as though he doesn’t even exist.

While Cas showers that night, Dean begs his parents to let Cas move in. And his tears of frustration when they say no are completely real. They explain it’s not that easy, that they can’t just take Cas away from his family, and no matter how much sense they might be making, it takes Dean weeks to forgive them.

At thirteen they have their first real fight. They’ve had play-fights before - wrestled until someone won, then let Sammy take on the winner - and they’ve argued plenty about music, but they’ve never legitimately fought until now.

And, of course, it’s all over a girl. Cas’ girlfriend. Daphne. Dean hates her, which he knows isn’t fair, but he does. As far as he’s concerned, the only reason Cas has been spending so little time with him lately is because Daphne demands it of him. Maybe not in the literal sense, but if Cas isn’t with Dean then he’s with Daphne. And these days, it doesn’t feel like he’s with Dean all that often.

They don’t speak for three weeks after Dean calls Cas a pussy-whipped bitch who ditches his best friend for the first girl that comes along. It’s mean and not as true as he claims, but he’s angry and hurt and sick of being Cas’ second choice.

But Dean can’t stay away for long. Three weeks without a single word from Cas is too much, too hard, so he goes crawling back, begging for forgiveness … also not in the literal sense, but pretty damn close. When he tells Cas he’s sorry, asks if they can be friends again, promises to be more thoughtful of Daphne, Cas tells him he broke up with Daphne two weeks ago.

He doesn’t explain why, doesn’t tell Dean why he never mentioned it earlier, and Dean doesn’t ask, doesn’t bring up the fact that he totally overreacted. Because all that stuff will lead to talking about feelings and shit, and neither of them want that.

At fifteen Dean’s dad dies. An unexpected heart attack at work one day leaves Dean and his family reeling and grieving and broken. And Dean doesn’t sleep. Doesn’t get a wink of sleep in the days following. He helps his mom cook and clean, hugs her when she needs to cry, and makes sure Sammy wears his suit to the funeral. But he can’t sleep and can’t relax and he feels so damn screwed up.

Cas climbs up a tree and into Dean’s bedroom window the night of the funeral, lies next to him on the bed, and tells him all about Harry Potter. Dean listens, because he hasn’t spoken a word since the funeral that afternoon, but he’s tempted to punch Cas in the face because they both know he doesn’t do Harry Potter. Magic just isn’t his thing, okay?

But it’s not bad. Cas likes detail, and by the time he begins telling Dean about Sirius Black being Harry’s Godfather, Dean’s drifting off to sleep for the first time in days, warm and cosy next to Cas. When he wakes, Cas is gone but all seven Harry Potter books are sitting on his bedside table. All Dean can do is smile and mutter something about goddamn nerds.

At fifteen Dean makes out with a girl. It occurs to him - while watching Cas talk to some girl about some dude called Dean Moriarty - that he’s never made out with a girl before. Never kissed a girl or even had a proper date, and he quickly becomes insecure and worried about how normal that is. Or isn’t.

So he asks Lisa Braeden to go to a movie with him. She says yes, just like he knew she would since she’s been flirting with him for weeks. It’s not like he didn’t notice that she was flirting - or notice her; she is cute - he just never … cared. But he cares on their date because it’s boring and the movie sucks and he can’t help thinking about how much more fun he’d be having if he was hanging out with Cas.

He kisses Lisa goodnight, though, just to say he’s done it, and he doesn’t get what the huge deal about making out is.

At sixteen Dean realises he might be gay, and what hurts the most about this realisation is that it happens only seconds after realising he’s completely in love with Cas - possibly always has been. And what hurts even more than that realisation, is how it comes about.

Another weekend, another high school party. A bit of beer, a little weed, and a lot of cute girls. But the only person Dean wants to hang out with is Cas. So they drink and they talk to girls and they laugh at stupid jokes, and they’re standing with a large group of people, but Dean still notices when Cas leaves.

And he notices when half an hour goes by and Cas isn’t back. Dean’s not worried - it’s not like they’ve never hung out with different people at parties before - but hanging out just isn’t as fun if Cas isn’t around to hang out with. So he goes looking for him, and when he finds him in an upstairs hallway, kissing Meg like his goddamn life depends on it, it fucking aches.

It hits him in the chest like a fucking sledgehammer, this jealousy and betrayal and hurt. Seeing Cas - his Cas - with his fingers tangled in Meg’s hair while her fingers tug at his belt buckle, makes him queasy. And they don’t even notice him standing there - shaking and dizzy and maybe his eyes are watering just a little - as they suck each others’ faces off.

A choked sound leaves his throat, totally involuntary and utterly wrecked. And loud enough to make the kissing couple pull away from each other, and Dean’s so terrified and sick and humiliated that he only lets Cas meet his gaze for a second before he turns and runs.

He leaves. Doesn’t say goodbye to anyone, doesn’t answer Cas’ calls for three days, doesn’t leave his bedroom if he can help it. Eventually his mom makes him go back to school, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters now, because he’s in love with Cas, and Cas is making out with Meg, and that knowledge is a constant, painful throb in his heart.

At sixteen Cas tries to talk about what happened the night before, and as soon as the words are out of his mouth, Dean lets out a loud, phoney laugh. He informs Cas of how drunk he was the night before, how he must have had at least a dozen beers to himself, how he doesn’t remember a thing after watching Garth and Ash play Twister - something he distinctly remembers happening long before he found Cas with Meg.

Cas nods and smiles. They both know Dean’s lying, and they both know Cas knows Dean’s lying, but neither of them say a damn word about it. Dean knows Cas knows he saw them together; their eyes had met briefly, but it was enough - enough to add tension to their friendship, enough to make Cas aware that it made Dean uncomfortable, and enough to break Dean.

Dean’s bitter and hurt, but he doesn’t say a thing. And, when he realises that a very small part of him might hate Cas that little bit, he’s not sure if it’s for kissing Meg, or for letting Dean get away with not talking about it.

At seventeen Cas questions Dean about his drinking, and yeah, Dean might drink too much, but with fair reason. His dad’s dead, he’s in unrequited love with his best friend who’s still his best friend even though their friendship is a little strained now, and he’s dropping out of high school. No one knows about that yet, but with the bills piling up, and Sam’s dreams of Stanford, it’s the only solution.

Cas isn’t making out with Meg anymore - hasn’t since a week or two after that party - but that’s the most Dean knows about Cas’ love life, because it’s just not something he’s willing to ask about. They used to talk about which girls were hot, who they totally wouldn’t mind hooking up with, but not anymore. Not since Dean caught Cas with Meg, and Cas undoubtedly saw the anguish in Dean’s eyes in that spilt second that their eyes met.

Now they talk about bullshit Dean couldn’t care less about, but when Cas does try to bring up something serious, it’s forced and awkward and horrible.

At seventeen Dean goes out to a bar that will serve him and fucks some guy in a bathroom stall. He’s drunk and lonely and maybe a little bit depressed, but he’s acknowledged the fact that he likes guys, come to terms with it, accepted it, and deserves to finally get laid. And if it’s with some random in some bathroom at some bar, then so be it because his best friend doesn’t love him back so fuck it.

The guy might have blue eyes and dark hair, but that’s as far as his resemblance to Cas goes, and the whole thing ends up being messy and awkward and a total letdown. He gets that first times are supposed to be not exactly awesome, but even his first orgasm brought on by someone other than himself isn’t that great. The whole experience is shitty. It’s not quite worth the breakdown he wants to have when he washes up in the shower that night, but it’s close.

He comes out to his mom the next day. She smiles and says okay, promises him that everything will be okay, that she loves him and wants to be happy. He’s not happy. 

At eighteen Cas gets accepted into three colleges, and none of them are in Kansas. He tells Dean late one night, while they sit on Dean’s bed and watch TV. And Dean says nothing, because he’s known for over a year now that this day would come, that Cas would leave for college while he was stuck here in Lawrence, working the same job his dad used to. And he likes his job, loves his family, but he’s not sure he can live without Cas.

And Cas stares at him, eyes wide and hopeful, and for a second Dean actually thinks that Cas wants him to say something - something honest and real, something he’s kept to himself for two years now, something he’s pretty sure they’ve both known since their friendship changed the day after that party. But he doesn’t know. So he smiles and congratulates him.

That night he gets particularly drunk, prank calls Meg and tells her she’s a douchey bitch, and passes out wearing a hoodie Cas left behind a few weeks back.

At eighteen, after ten years of friendship, Cas leaves town on a pitiful, rainy day. He’s said goodbye to his family, and to yours, and it’s just the two of you at the airport. You park in the parking lot and climb out, but Cas quickly tells you that it’s fine, you don’t need to go in with him, he’s only got one suitcase after all. And you stand there, car door open, rain pouring down on both of you, and you silently beg him not to go.

He smiles, brushes wet hair from his forehead, and says something about how he’ll see you at Christmas, maybe even Thanksgiving, but the words are just dull buzzes in your thumping head. He tilts his head, eyes searching and deep and so fucking blue that you have to look away before the tears that are threatening to fall do just that.

He seems to take your distance as a decision made, because he very formally thanks you for the ride, and turns to go. And you lift your gaze, watch him walk away from you, and whisper into the rain, “Stay.”


End file.
